Lovers in the air

So, the big day is tomorrow. The day that male consumer loath. The day that female consumers approach with dread. That's right, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. The day the greeting card and diamond industry conspired to create to make millions for themselves, while sharing the love with their customers. I don't know about you all, but I think they should really use more lube when they share that "love" of theirs. My wife has told me over and over that I don't need to get her anything on VD (get it. I turned a romantic holiday into a sexually transmitted disease. I'm funny that way). And even though she protests that it's not necessary to do or get her anything, I still feel obliged to do at the least the bare minimum every year or else I feel like a heel. So, since I have no money, scratch that, since I have negative money, I am going to give her the only thing I can think of: A list of love. Sorry guys, but I just have to do it.

How do I lub thee?
Let me count the ways:

1. I love you in the morning when you look like a lawnmower attacked you in your sleep and your breath could kill a buffalo at thirty paces.

2. I love you when you fart in your sleep.

3. I love you when you ask me a question and I am not listening or can't hear you and when I ask you to repeat yourself you get all huffy and yell the response.

4. I love you when you are telling me how hot some guy in a kilt looked when he came into work that day.

5. I love the way you slap the living crap out of my face, my chest, my ear and my balls when you roll over in your sleep.

6. I love it when you push the cat off of you and towards me so that he jumps on my throat or other tender areas.

7. I love it how I can be taking a shower and you can come into the bathroom and take a dump that nearly melts the shower curtain and then leave without using air-spray.

8. I love when you ask me a question and then won't let me answer it because apparently it was rhetorical.

9. I love how you call him my son.

10. I love it when you say, "Come hear a second" and I lean close and you pluck a hair out of some various part of my head.

You see darling, if I can love you at these times, the rest will be a piece of cake. I love you Salma Hayek darling.