Exercise = Self-Absorbed?

In response to my post about Exercise Addiction (and the weight loss comment I added), Kelly said: "Too many people worry about their weight, the way they look, how much excercise they get, what they're eating, etc. How about worrying about your self esteem? Or world peace? Or something that really matters?"

I'm not going to say that vanity doesn't play a part in my motivation to exercise and lose weight ("Come on, one more mile; don't you want to have the kind of body that girls notice and guys envy?"). But that's mainly because it is a worry about self-esteem. At the level of addiction it becomes such a part of your identity ("I'm not just some guy who runs, I am a runner") that you beat yourself up for any failure to live up to the unrealistically high expectations of that identity ("It doesn't matter how sick I am, I can't take today off or I'm a loser"). That idea still plays a role for a more casual exerciser. So, in some ways, my self esteem is tied to exercise and my weight. But that's just one small part of the equation of why I do what I do and why it's on my mind enough that I'm writing about it.

Much more important is the fact that I enjoy moving my body (i.e. exercising). Even at my heaviest I hiked with the dogs and did other active things because it's one of the things I like doing with my time. It feels good to work your muscles at the end of the day; instead of holding in the stress and frustration you work it out. Pushing yourself hard, like lifting weights or doing an interval workout, is a great way to get out anger, while a long, steady endurance workout is a great way to unwind. It becomes almost meditative. In fact, my favorite alone-time, when I do my best thinking, is during a good run (it's also good for pre-writing blog posts). A runner's high is awesome. And it sucks to get there, but it feels great to be in shape. Not only do you feel good about yourself, but you feel fit and strong and capable. My dad is a cross country & track coach and I grew up running with him, so it's always been a favorite exercise. I also grew up in the water--could swim before I could walk, in fact--and did swim team through high school. And while I didn't compete, growing up in small towns allowed me to live on my bike as my main form of transportation. So, yeah, I know it can become an unhealthy obsession if I let it, but triathloning is a natural fit for me because I enjoy all three activities. It's something I do for fun, and I almost always look forward to my workout each day.

But no matter how fit you are, being heavier than you should limits how good you can feel. Carrying 230 pounds 5 miles is harder than 175 pounds, and I feel it in my aches and pains after. There's more gray area here because vanity is tied up in any thought about weight loss, but my #1 motivation for working hard right now is weight for health reasons. I'm at an age where my metabolism is slowing down and the aches and pains can start to mount. The longer I keep on the extra weight, the harder it will be to get rid of and the more it will effect my long-term health. I'm not looking to be superhuman, I just don't want to be limited by my body breaking down any earlier than I have to.

So that's why I work out. I guess it is a little self-absorbed. If I took all those hours I spend exercising and volunteered somewhere, maybe I could do more about world peace and things that "really matter." If I really wanted to live what I believe, in fact, I would be living and working in an impoverished area or disadvantaged country spending all of my time helping those who have not been as lucky in life as I have. But I'm not. Instead I choose to live my life somewhat selfishly, and triathlons are something I do for myself instead of helping others. I don't quite know what all of that means, but that's where I am right now.