Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Drained, but the End is in Sight.

The funding is lined up, so that worry is out of the way, and now I'm simply marking time until that blessed day-- sometime in July-- when I leave the JOB and head back to school. I cannot tell you how much I'm looking forward to that day. Every day now, I come home from work just a little bit more drained by the experience. I leave with zero energy and usually quite agitated. It's not that my job is objectively so bad, it's not. There are worse jobs-- a fact I'm reminded of every time I drive by Liberty Tax Service and see the poor schlub who has to wear the Uncle Sam or Statue of Liberty costume out on the street corner begging for business. Simply put, the job just doesn't agree with me. It doesn't fit. It just isn't me. All the hours spent at my job feel like time that has been stolen from my life (bought actually, for way too low a price). It presents me with a stark dichotomy between living and working. Between my life, and the time I sell to my employer. It is 40 hours a week that I find difficult to integrate into the rest of my existence. And that, my friends, is no way to live.

But law school is just around the corner now. I hesitate to say that, fearful that somehow I might jinx it, might screw up the opportunity, and be stuck in my present situation. Frankly, I don't think my sanity could survive that. I know that law school is going to be a lot of work-- more than a full time job I'm told, but that doesn't bother me, because I think I'll be able to find something there that I haven't had since I last left the hallowed halls of grad school: integration. In college, and then again in grad school, I always felt that my life was of a piece. No matter how much I dreaded a particular class or a particular assignment, no matter how much work I had to get done, whether I was having a good day or bad, none of it ever felt like time that wasn't mine, a part of a life that wasn't me. Everything fit. I think I'm going to get that feeling back in a few months. I'm looking forward to it.

6 comments:

Gobula said...

The increased mental stimulation alone is going to make it all worthwhile. You do seem to have the brain capacity to do more than discharge books all day. Law school should really be a sweet change that generates some much needed motivation.

I can understand the feeling in your second paragraph. No matter what else is going on I can always enjoy my history classes and they always make me think. But I often wonder if I am going to really accomplish anything of value. The idea that I should be doing something bigger is always lingering in the back of my mind.

scott said...

I'm glad your funding hurdle is behind you. And, it'll be great for you personally to not have to deal with all of the shitlips that come into work. I see you happier and more fulfilled in the coming months.

Note: Being happy and fulfilled entails coming to d+d still, even if you have to drive in from the middle of missouri :D

Hadrian said...

It's only a two hour drive, I think I can handle that.

Degolar said...

Excellent (law school, funding, d&d, all)!

Leelu said...

I'm happy for you, but I'll still miss having you around.

Kelly Sime said...

yeah. i'm bummed that you might not be able to come over to the house...but i guess if you drive in for d&d all will be well :)